That’s the key point to our discussions. I could state the facts in as detached a fashion as I wanted. Doing what I try to do always which is be fair to others. Accept that my point of view is simply that. My point of view. However objective I think I’m being, I’m still presenting a subjective choice of events and reactions. And I know how tricky memory can be presenting me with items to reinforce what viewpoint I’m currently holding.
At some stage the question has to come, how do you, did you feel about it.
I’m not sure about you but I like conversations that wander and explore. Conversations that don’t require an end point or a stated opinion which allows no alternative.
That’s how the conversations with the psychologist developed. She might ask for clarification of a statement which would send me down an unexpected path. In the early days I apologised for inserting random thoughts but she said that was quite usual and not to worry about it. Whatever I said she would measure it, add it to the already built picture and find some way, some words that would offer me a new view.
I decided I wouldn't discuss what happened in our appointments and I’ve stuck to that. In essence these sessions are not focused on other people except as they touch me and how I react.
Blessedly it’s been about me.
How often do those of us who are empaths have the luxury of prolonged secure investigations about what’s happening inside us. In our extroverted world with noise and jangling and necessity to take up positions, how seldom can we stand back and find the safe space to speak without accusations of selfishness?
Selfish is what I’ve been for the last few months. Gloriously, delightfully selfish. I’ve retreated to that safe space that has been created, with permission, by a medical professional.
Can you understand how precious that is? Instead of being encouraged to ‘get over this’ or ‘move on’, I’ve been gifted permission to put myself first. Not only in that room but in my wider life.
And time and again the same question has come. What do you want to happen?